frost_incarnate: (black)
Personal life:

Positive aspects:

Quidditch. Need I say more?

Parvati. I want her. I... like her. I'm sick of denying it, sick of my own hypocrisy. I want to be something more to her than just a snogging partner.

Dueling. two chances to work out agression.

Negative aspects:

I still have to tell Parvati how I feel. And I have a hard time believing that she could think the same of me.

Dueling. Pansy will probably be Brocklehurst's second. Also... why does Fleur want to duel? If it's for any serious reason... she's one of the few people I yet have any security, any sense of camaraderie and safety around. I don't want that lost.

I'm engaged to Fleur. I'll admit there are many ways in which this isn't negative, but, dammit, I don't want to be engaged to Fleur.

My Chaser, roommate, and friend probably wants to kill me.

Pansy.



Politics:

-The Potion is going well, but may kill me.

Bugger.

-I have two people supporting me knowingly for the letters. I ought to try for more, if I can risk it: Goyle, and perhaps Blaise if personal matters don't interfere. Maybe Snape. Maybe Percy Weasley. And... Parvati?
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Experiment #4:

Ingredient ratios-

For every 2 ml phoenix tears:

4 ml antivenin
1 ml holy water
1 g phosphorous powder
3 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments


Experiment #5:

Ingredient ratios-

For every 2 ml phoenix tears:

4 ml antivenin
1 ml holy water
1 g phosphorous powder
10 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments

Number four was a near-to-complete failure, serving no purpose but to correct the overabundance of antivenin. Following the Dictum and the Protocols, I managed to get what seems a reasonable balance- although without Fleur's insight, this would have been far more difficult.

The Mark still hurt, but remained untouched- the skin around it grew alternately pale and red, however.

Number five... white light flared through the Mark, for just a moment, accompanied by a pain so searing that I spent twelve minutes unconcious. The pain and the light are gone, and the Mark is numb, and tingling... when I add more holy water, I think I shall have it. Then to determine the dosage.... but for now, I must await more phoenix tears.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Anyone feel up to the challenge?
frost_incarnate: (Default)
I have managed, with a lot of trouble and some two dozen charms, to put one of my violins back together. It started as the electric one, but not only does it run off magic now, I've cast so many spells to keep it in one piece... I'm not sure quite what you would call it. At least it works, and the sound is mostly the same.

I'm going to need to spend a lot of time playing it.
frost_incarnate: (black)
Experiment #3:



Ingredient ratios-


For every 2 ml phoenix tears:

6 ml antivenin

1 ml holy water

1 g phosphorous powder

3 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments


Searing pain in my arm, around the Mark. It has yet to go away. The Mark itself is unscathed, however- I think I have used too much antivenin, and not enough of the unicorn hair or holy water- I need to purify, as well as heal.

Once I have the measurements, all I need is to discover what dosage will be strong enough to wipe away the Mark forever.

Before that, I ought to write at least one more letter.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
I have spoken to only five people in any meaningful way since that breakfast- no-one else will exchange a word with me, it seems. Damn it, and damn you all, then- Pansy is still speaking to me, but the rest of my bloody house, except Millicent and the Hawk, you're all too good for me now? I'm some sort of pariah? Fuck that.

Blaise, damn it. You know I don't want Fleur- I have more than enough girl trouble as it stands. You're my friend, my housemate, my roommate, and the best Chaser on my bloody team- any one of those is reason enough for us to talk, to work things out, but we've barely been in the same room since the announcement. I've known you ten years. We need to talk, all right?

Goyle- you're never around these days. We're supposed to be watching each other's backs, remember?

Annie. Always the most reasonable of us all. Why aren't you talking to me?

All right, team- practice Sunday evening. Nothing fancy- mostly we need to discuss strategies and get a feeling for how we can work together, make arrangements to get you all decent brooms, that sort of thing. Drop me a note if you don't have at least a Nimbus 2002.

Speaking of- Millicent, has yours arrived yet? And what's this with you and that bloody Weasley?

Everyone is being too bleeding confusing.
frost_incarnate: (white)
Experiment #2:



Ingredient ratios-


For every 2 ml phoenix tears:

2 ml antivenin

1 ml holy water

1 g phosphorous powder

3 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments

The only thing I altered was the phosphorous- change only one element at a time, the Sixth Protocol of Potions says, and that is of course safest.

This potion had no real effect. A bit of nausea. I saw stars. My arm was numb around the Mark for a few minutes. That's all. The solution of other ingredients is too weak. I think the phosphorous is correct, however.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Experiment #1:



Ingredient ratios-


For every 4 ml phoenix tears:

4 ml antivenin

2 ml holy water

8 g phosphorous powder

6 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments



Results- a rush of dizziness and temporary loss of conciousness, luminescence from surfaces touched by potion. The Mark is the same as ever. Application of potion to skin produces luminescence of everything but the Mark, which becomes a blemish in a sea of brilliance. Failure #1, although it obviously noted the Mark, and disliked it. Slipping a few drops into Baddock's pumpkin juice produced a brighter, full-body luminesce immediately, and energy rather than dizziness. As Baddock does not have the Mark (yet, anyway, as he's far too young), the potionn differentiates effects betwen the Marked and the Unmarked. A step in the right direction, and the ingredients are certainly right, just in the wrong measurements. Phosphorous content was excessive. Effects successfully purged. Will try again later once new calculations for proportions have been made.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
I should have, but somehow I did not.

I have nothing to say. There are no words left. I picked up my violin, but there was no music to play, only noise, and I am not surprised because I think that nothing beautiful can come of this.


I regret nothing.


Every word I spoke, every deed I did, I would do again.


What does that make me?
frost_incarnate: (white)
In any case. Quidditch tryouts are before too long. We need a solid bloody team, and I intend to get one.

If you were on the team last year, drop me a note telling me you intend to come back- and yes, Blaise, I already know you're staying on.

If you weren't on the team before and intend to try out, I'd like it if you could drop me a note as well- I loathe formal tryouts, so I'd like to have time to talk one-on-one with all of you who are interested, see your brooms, etc.

Just talk to me. Whatever. It's late and I need to save up my speeches. I'm going to go play some violin.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
At first I thought she was just my revenge on Pansy and Padma. Then I realized I didn't want to do that- not to her, maybe not to any of them, no matter how much I want Pansy and Padma to feel the hurt.

Now she's my stress reliever, the only kind of magic that can melt away the tension I feel.

I want Pansy back for my own.

I don't think I can take her back, i don't know if I can accept her again.

And I don't know if I could give up Parvati if I had to.

Every day, I need her.
frost_incarnate: (black)
If she would sooner have Padma than have me, so be it.

I will not cry.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.


I will get even.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
The mistakes I have made are not going to fix themselves, any more than other problems are- or other wounds, for that matter.

I apologize to anyone whom I have affronted, offended, frightened, threatened, hexed, cursed, taunted, or otherwise wrongedin the past sixteen to eighteen hours. I haven't been myself.

Hell, in some ways I havn't been myself all year, though I've been working at it. Of course, people change, and I have done that without regret- but I've also been forgetting myself, forgetting what it is to be me.

This is going to change.

Draco Malfoy is back, and he intends to stay.

And Salazar save anyone who crosses him.

I... fuck.

Feb. 19th, 2003 02:21 am
frost_incarnate: (green)
FUCK!

FUCK!

fuck.


I don't fucking believe this, not any of this, it's a surreal dream. I must have mis-mixed the hangover potions and am having a lucid, surreal night terror in which my world breaks and falls apart, and nothing makes sense, and everything hurts, and I want to kill something.

She was making out with Padma. They were... they looked...there was real emotionthere, it wasn't just a meaningless kiss. That I could live with, that i could bear to forgive, that wouldn't make me want to die and drag the world with me, that wouldn't be like rolling me through a field of broken glass and salting the woulds.

It wouldn't make me so empty and numb.

Parvati kissed me after I told her. I kissed her back. I'm fucking losing it, I'm losing it all, it's sliding away and I need to hurt something, I need to get5 this feeling out of me before I implode with the force of containing it.

I couldn't really have kissed a Gryffindor and meant it. that shows how shaken I am, how much this betrayal means.

Pansy...the bitch said she loved me.

This is love?

I'll show her what it meand to feel loved, then, if this is what it means that she loved me. I... I can't. I can't do that to her. I will never forgive her, never trust her, maybe never speak to her, but I cannot.

Someone else will have to pay. Someone who deserves to feel all this that I feel now. Someone worthless and bestial.

Someone will writhe.















I'm crying.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
But luckily I had the forethought to order as many potions as I did bottles of alcohol, so that ought to be all right.

I think I wrote a drunken owl, but it might have made sense.

Why are there bite marks on my hand? And implications regarding my endowments written on my forehead in Impervious Ink?

Who was responsible for that?

What happened yesterday evening, anyway? I don't remember much after the party started, except a few things I'd sooner forget.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Dumbledore has vanished. I'm glad to be rid of the old man, but this is going to bring chaos down upon our heads. I wonder what in the Hell is going on- what is being attempted here, what are they trying to accomplish? Whatever it is, obviously, a tremendous step has been taken, and done with far more precision than I would have credited before hearing of it.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Pansy and I have worked things out, my projects are going well, I'm actually getting some sleep... this calls for a party.

This weekend, in the Common Room- a Slytherin party, all years welcome, in celebration of the fact that I'm rich enoug to throw you all a party and not worry about it. Sound good?

...

Hang on.

All right, I've just gotten an owl. So have the other 6th year boys. Did everyone get this? Are you seeing this?

Someone is saying some very dangerous things.

This is a disturbing departure from a routine I was looking forward to returning to. I need to talk to someone about this, anyone. Blaise? We've been meaning to talk for a while, and I know you got a copy, so this just gives us one more reason to discuss things...

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Apparently I was the only one sober last night.

This is a sorry bloody situation when the last week has been as tumultuous as mine.

If you still want to talk, Blaise, I'll trade confidences for a hangover potion- apparently Pansy won't need the one I brewed.

And Pansy, if you still want to talk with me, you do of course take priority over Blaise (sorry Blaise).

And if anyone else wants to have a word with me, let me know and get in line.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
I believe with every fiber of my being that the only way to accomplish the cause of the Death Eaters is to kill the Dark Lord.

Worse, I know what I'm going to do to try and get him killed. I know how to do it.

And then, of course, there's Parvati.

I have something else to write. Something important.

Fuck this shit.

Just... fuck.


Fuck.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Hiding things, protecting things, planning things- finding that half the conversations I have leave me either confused, regretful, or angry.

I wanted you to know that wasn't all I was interested in, Pansy, because it isn't.

I'm sorry if you felt pressured the other day, Millicent.

Blaise, Annie, Goyle- are you three too busy for me these days?

And if anyone at all is having trouble with Potions, they have but to ask.
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