frost_incarnate: (black)

If anyone had told me that Potter and I would be the ones to kill Dumbledore before it happened, I would have laughed at the idea until I choked.

Very fucking funny.


How many students has their bleating, frightened sheep of parents transfer them out of this dismal castle this year, anyway? I have not spoken to anyone in days, and it begins to grate on my nerves. This place feels as though it's half empty.
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The stillness of summer has mired me; and I have done nothing of note in weeks. Spoken to no-one but The Hawk, and even she, seldom. I haven't stirred from the flat Mother gifted me with for any purpose in weeks- the house-elf accompanying it tends to the necessary errands, including purchasing my schoolbooks.

I've been keeping up on my... regular correspondence... but that is all.

I have needed time to think, and I have received it.


Aug. 6th, 2003 01:18 pm
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Sweet Merlin, I killed him.
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She dumped me. Discarded me because of one argument, one matter where she kept taking offense, where nothing I could say was right and she was always... always attacking, always twisting things to prove me wrong. So maybe it's for the best.

Fuck, like I believe that.


I'm sick of this. All this bullshit, everything that gets in my way, anything that messes with me head, that hurts my friends, that...

I'm losing control, just a little, and maybe I'm okay with that.

There's something I have to do. There's one problem, at least, that I can fix.
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[Blocked for Fleur, Parvati, and Susan]

I have come to a conclusion: I did what I must. It would be senseless to regret the death of a murderer, a mindless fanatic following a man I have sworn to bring down. For his idiocy, for the senselessness of the pain he has inflicted, he deserved no better. I would not stay my hand if I could, and should not do so if a Death Eater stood in my way again. I cannot hesitate if I am truly commited to my cause. I dislike killing,and would never seek to kill any, save only the Dark Lord, but I cannot always avoid it. I know that now. And I can live with it.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
[Blocked for Parvati, Fleur, and Susan only]

There is no-one else I can speak honestly with. I have done something, and I am not certain if it bothers me or not. While Potter was off playing hero during the rescue, I was engaged in a duel with one of the guards. He... was better than me, better by far. I was forced to use the Killing Curse to stop him. I do not regret it, and I would do it again... but I feel the need to talk about this. It feels like a turning point, disgusting as that idea may be.
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Good news, to say the least. And I've drafted another letter... who am I fucking kidding? There is only one thing which I have to write about, one thing that occupies my mind, thought why it should I don't know.

I killed him. The bastard got in my way, and I had to get him out of it. He could not be allowed to report in later, but I wasn't thinking about that. I just cursed him, and he met the fate he no doubt deserved. There is no reason for me to dwell on it.
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I’ve been doing things that will likely get me killed for months, but this is… another, further step, a culmination of previous planning and effort. It moves things onto a new level. I am not writing letters, I am not sending others to slip potions into uncounted drinks. I am acting directly and personally. I have to- I can’t bloody well trust Potter and Weasley not to mess this up.

Tonight we set out from the castle and make our way to some staging area or other from which we can break into the Death Eatery and rescue Padma. I don’t know how in Hell I’m going to manage this, how I can work with all those sodding Gryffindors. I don’t know if they’ll have the nerve or the knowledge, let alone the ability to do what must be done. We have to get in and out unseen. If we are spotted, our presence must not be reported- those who have been seen to defy the Dark Lord rest beneath gravestones now, with few exceptions, all of them due more to luck than skill.

If we are seen, we must kill whoever spots us. We must not be identified- our lives depend on it.

I took my broom out to the forest last weekend, and began practicing my curses. All of them. If I don’t have to use them tomorrow, I shall be surprised. If I make it that long without using them… there is always this weekend to survive as well, and the attentions of my Aunt Bellatrix. Father will have told her how displeased he has been with me of late, and if the stories Mother tells me of the things they used to do, the way Aunt Andromeda was treated- if these stories are, as I suspect, diluted fragments of a harsher reality, I will be in no less danger in her home. Service to the Dark Lord and years in Azkaban will have distilled her, to the essence of whatever she is, pure in her loyalty and determination to serve the Dark Lord.

I will not fear. I will not tremble, I will not blink, I will not shy in the face of danger. I will anticipate, and I will prepare. Whatever may come, I stand ready for it. I stand, and I stand unafraid. I will not fear.
frost_incarnate: (Default)
Right then. I've got to do my Christmas shopping tomorrow. I've got a few ideas of what to get for you all, but what would you like?
frost_incarnate: (green)
I haven't played my violin in weeks- it's a huge bloody relief to be able to do so at last, though my hands still sting from all the bloody potions I've brewed the amount of work I've done.

I was thinking- the professors haven't said anything about a Yule Ball this year, and I for one think we ought to throw one. Therefore, if someone else can help me with the funding- I'll only be twenty Galleons or so short- I can rent Otto's Irresistable Dance Hall off Diagon Alley for the first day of holidays, and try to call in someone more impressive than the hose band. I would, of course, have to charge admission- maybe a Galleon apiece- because I'm not bloody made of money, and even if I was Father would murder me for spending it all on something this frivolous.

So, who's interested? I'd need a lot of people wanting to come to make this worth it. Consider this an open invitation to the entire school. Everyone, regardless of House. Regardless even of bloodline- I need every last Galleon I can get if you want me to find a decent band. Just tell me- say you'd come- and if at least twenty or thirty want in, I'll see what I can do.
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Everything is still a bit of a whirl, but they're improving- day by day, everything is getting better.

[blocked for members of the White Rose only]

I need to meet with you all, individually or all at once- I have the potion completed. It's time to move on to the next stage of things- another letter, and then, action. Whether or not you play a part in the action itself is up to you, and is one of the things I need to discuss.


Today is a beautiful day.

I survived.

Apr. 7th, 2003 01:16 am
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Father believed me, and except for a caning I am untouched.

I threw the family seal at a mirror and it broke and I cut my hands when I went to find the seal again. I think... I... .

Why do I put up with what I would kill to prrotect others from?
frost_incarnate: (black)
I've been letting distractions get in my way. As Father wants to see me this weekend and I may very well die, this cannot go on. Since there is not time to finish the potion, I must make certain that Fleur knows how I got as far as I did and what needs doing. If I live through the weekend, I will waste no time in finishing it.

I need to write another letter, and then- then, I need to take action. This letter must be a promise and I must carry through on it.

Hm. Perhaps... if I could find something to deflect Father's attention... I don't know.

What else? I must make sure Fleur, Parvati, Bones and Jones- stupid Hufflepuff names, those- they must know the danger I may be in, and beyond that...

Parvati. I need to talk to her. I need things to be right with her. I will not go face Father and leave her angry with me.
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I will do so no longer.
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It regards dosage of the potion, and is simple- if the stated quantity will not do once the ingredients balance, any increase would kill. Therefore, the current proportions have to be sufficient... hell, I may even start testing with half-sized amounts.
frost_incarnate: (white)
Experiment #9:

Ingredient ratios-

For every 2 ml phoenix tears:

4 ml antivenin
6 ml holy water
1 g phosphorous powder
10 cm unicorn hair, cut into 1 cm segments

I was unconcious for precisely 80 minutes. My arm still hurts. I'm going to need help- someone in here to make sure I'm not discovered while I'm passed out, and that this damned stuff doesn't kill me. When I first woke... the Mark was a little less distinct. It reverted soon. But... I refuse to give in now.

So, whom do I ask?
frost_incarnate: (black)
It just dawned on me- the Potion is useless on a large scale. I can't send out the recipe. Pansy knows I'm brewing it, and now that she's taken the Mark... fuck. Well, I can at least say I have a means of making things safer for them, and let them get in touch with me.

Shit. This is going to make things harder... I need more support, sooner, inside and out. I have Fleur, Susan, and now Parvati... I need people on the inside. I need to talk to Goyle, to start out with. Blaise too- he doesn't bear the Mark, but he's Slytherin, which always counts for something.

I need to find a way to better sound out Snape.

A revolution is damned hard to organize.
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Parvati likes me. As more than a friend, more than someone to snog. We're dating. The next person to say anything against her, or against us, is going to have to say it to the tip of my wand.

Most other things are proceeding nicely as well.
frost_incarnate: (black)
Personal life:

Positive aspects:

Quidditch. Need I say more?

Parvati. I want her. I... like her. I'm sick of denying it, sick of my own hypocrisy. I want to be something more to her than just a snogging partner.

Dueling. two chances to work out agression.

Negative aspects:

I still have to tell Parvati how I feel. And I have a hard time believing that she could think the same of me.

Dueling. Pansy will probably be Brocklehurst's second. Also... why does Fleur want to duel? If it's for any serious reason... she's one of the few people I yet have any security, any sense of camaraderie and safety around. I don't want that lost.

I'm engaged to Fleur. I'll admit there are many ways in which this isn't negative, but, dammit, I don't want to be engaged to Fleur.

My Chaser, roommate, and friend probably wants to kill me.



-The Potion is going well, but may kill me.


-I have two people supporting me knowingly for the letters. I ought to try for more, if I can risk it: Goyle, and perhaps Blaise if personal matters don't interfere. Maybe Snape. Maybe Percy Weasley. And... Parvati?
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