I have never felt worse.

Everything has gone wrong. The tirednes eats at me, but it can wait- what is important is not the pain I feel, but the errors I have made.

I took the carriage to pick up Pansy. There was a storm. We crashed.

I have disappointed Father, and demolished one of his favored posssessions.

In my arrogance and eagerness to impress, I have been responsible for a man's death. Simon, the driver, fell when the first gust of wind hit us.

I have showed doubt, lack of resolve, and even cowardice in my character in the way I handled these situations. What I said and did, I should not have.

I have alienated Pansy as well.

In only a few hours we are bound for Diagon Alley.

I am no longer looking forward to the trip quite as much.

I have, at least, answered one question for myself.

I want Pansy.

I want her as fire wants fuel- I am hungry for her, not physically (at least, not primarily physically) but mentally, emotionally. I crave her presence, her attention, her approval, her affection.

I fear I may have lost at least these last two.

I told her. I shouldn't have told her. I should still be doing my best to ignore all that- to even suggest that my dedication is less than absolute is to sign my own death sentence, should word of it somehow return to the Dark Lord.

But it is true- all of it. I believe in our cause- it is true and it is logical.

Our methods are ineffective. There is too much chaos and dissension among the ranks.

And even if this were not true, I refuse to pay my life in service of this or any other cause, this or any other person. I will not die for an ideal. I will not die for the sake of one man, however powerful- not when he is as likely to kill me as any of our enemies.

So I know two things.

I want Pansy Parkinson. This is, unfortunately, not as uncomplicted as it seems, or as I feel it ought to be.

My enlistment in the Death Eaters was a mistake.

Therefore, one more question remains, to be applied to both of the answers:

What can I possibly do now?

I've experienced what you might call a turnaround.

Pansy is bloody wonderful. She... well, it looks like... I just have to find the right way to tell her how I feel without sounding like a prat, and hopefully it's on. I don't know.

Have to look good for Diagon Alley. Other students might be there, so time to show the colors, I suppose. Black pants, silver shirt- (nicer than the ones I wore yesterday- the shirt is silk and unicorn hair), dark green robes over it. Light robes, but good ones. Worn open to show off the shirt.

I sound as vain as Lockhart.

Bloody hell. Um, hair?

She didn't like it loose. I don't know why, but I saw her eyeing my hair with a look that was less than happy.

Trying the ponytail. I look very French now. Mother says I always look French when I dress up- the English side of the family only shows when I'm dressed casual.

This is, I think, supposed to tell me something about the comparative nobility of French and English blood. Sod that, woman- our French ancestors were (scarily competent and enterprising) hedge wizards. On the English side, we've got the bloody Duke of Buckingham, from back in the day when half the Muggle nobles were secretly wizards.

Have reassured mother that I'm all right...

Ready to go.

I feel as if I'm riding that carriage again.

This day has had as many ups and downs as that ride did.

Up- Pansy. We kissed, we talked, we're an item. She seemed a touch distracted later on, but that was probably because I vanished just as we were finally working it all our. See the second 'down.' But she's wonderful, as I've said before. And she's staying in the other wing. I should... no, I probably shouldn't. Not now anyway. I'm looking forward to that party Annie's father is going to throw.

Up- Seeing Blaise and Annie again. They're like counterweights for one another- Blaise the wild and Annie the mature. Their presence and their banter buoyed me immensely. It's as if most of this summer never happened now. They're the same as ever, when everything else has changed so much- Blaise is still womanizing, pleasantly egotistical, and careless. Annie is still sharp-tongued, practical-minded, and quick to equalize any uneven situation with either a pointed or a meaningful remark. She doesn't give herself enough credit. Also, poor girl, I think she's fallen for Blaise. I had to do some quick talking to keep Blaise from finding out when I asked her about it, though- that was fun as well. I've been feeling as though my wit is waning. Maybe I was wrong, or maybe I'm on the upswing again, but today was much better in that department.

Down- We ran into the Gryffindors. Potter and Weasley wer idiots, as usual. Parvati Patil is a stone bitch. So is that old Chaser of theirs. They think they know so much. They think that just because they're known for courage, they are heros, and we are therefore the villains. Sod that. Bravery such as theirs is idiocy. It wold be far more accurate to say that we are the smart, and they are the stupid. Or, as Father likes to quote, "There is only power, and those too weak to use it."

Actually, I don't quite like that quote. Intelligence is power. A greater power than force or magic, than strength of spell or ruthlessness of technique. Intelligence lies in knowing when to use strength, and when to use finesse. Finesse is far more often the answer.

Come to think of it, I could stand to recall that myself.

Oh well. At least the Mudblood wasn't around.

Down- Adrian Pucey. He interrupted what would have been a sublime moment with Pansy to give me a sodding cryptic warning about what's going on. Acted sisnister and urgent when he first showed up. Frightened me a little, actually- I thought he'd come either to tell me someone dided or that someone had to be killed. I haven't cast that curse yet, and with the doubts I've had, I am not eager to. Even on some useless waste of breath and space, like the Mudblood, or a wrong-headed, spoiled prat like Saint Potter. But all Pucey told me was to keep my head down at school and stand ready to help fill the void, when it came. Bloody useless Pucey. He seemed to think it was awfully important that I know, as if Father wouldn't let me know what the critical Death Eater plans are, if it was crucial that I be able to act on them.


So, that was my day. Got a lot done at Diagon Alley- school supplies and a few new robes. Extra Potions materials as well. I've been eyeing a new broom as well, but that's a touch beyond my alowance, and Father is understandably not feeling indulgent. Other than that, I might like to invest in a second wand- I've been looking at advanced dueling techniques and if I can find a proper off-hand wand (they're exceptionally hard to match), I could finally begin on some more complicated curses and parries strictly for dueling use.

I think I will sleep well tonight, for the first time in a long time, Gryffindors and Pucey notwithstanding. They are but transient annoyances in a quickly improving world.